The dark. It's been a long while since I've been scared of it. I don't fear monsters in my closest or aliens outside my window. Bumps in the night are usually residence hall neighbors, or just the protests of an old building bombarded with each year's changes. The quiet air is calming after a long day of loud bass and the lively laughing of tenants. When my ceiling light switches off and the numerous screens in my room power down, only the glow of street lamps flow onto my bed. The moon, nearly full these past few days, aids in illuminating the floor as I pace.
I pace in the dark. I lay in the dark. I rock back and forth in the dark. All until the sun wakes up and my body can no longer resist the need for sleep. It's not on purpose. Perhaps my sleep schedule is off? Maybe I drink too much caffeine during the day? No matter the cause, I feel I fear the nights I spend in my room on my own. Not a fear for my life, nor a fear for my health. A fear for my sanity, in some small regard, maybe.
My body must know of the dreams I have in the midst of night. Chaos and confusion, submission, loss of hope, misguided actions, loss of direction. A fading path leading away from who I want to me and into a boy I dare not aspire to be. My body wants me to avoid the chance for another nightmare. Evade another scenario to be played right behind my consciousness. Aware, but trapped by my mind's film. An unwilling actor in unlikely events. An unwilling actor in sad roles. Lured by the promise of heroics, crushed by the time credits roll. Betrayed by my mind's villains. I applaud the efforts I unknowingly take to remind myself why I stare out into the world from time to time. I try to forget, but that's not an option now, is it?
I need to acknowledge my thoughts, I know. I need to know what I dread. But I wish to sleep now. Spare me the violence and disappointment on my depressed dreamworld, my dearest mind. The dark should be a relief. The end of another day. I want to relish in the completion of it. Another day I survived on this Earth. Not another day to worry. I don't want to be conditioned to fear the night, to live the day whilst preparing for a long night. Let me move on. I can tackle the real terror. But not at night. Not in the dark on my room. Alone, yes. But wait until the light shines my field of vision. Grant me that luxury, sweet mind of mine. Give me a chance.
I like to think of myself as a good man. A decent man. Someone who is patient, playful, and posed in an image of my true self. A good man. And in the coming weeks, this good man will go to war. Because I will win the battle. I will conquer my demon and I will stand tall. But I have to wait until the morning. I have to wake for a better day. A brighter day. Not in this night, not in this darkness. I can do it if I must. But I shouldn't. I didn't pick my adversary, but I should be able to pick the time of conflict. So permit me each night's rest, body and mind, and let me plan for war another time on another day.
Until next time,
-Daniel Golden
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