The Island of Misfit Toys

Dear Blog,

It’s been nearly a month since I last wrote to you. Though it may seem like I haven’t had anything to write about, quite the opposite is the truth. A month ago, my biggest concern was reading, which I’m happy to report has actually come to a mild sort of fruition. I finished “Prisoner of the Daleks” a few days ago, in addition to the TARDIS Handbook. I enjoyed both of them immensely. My sister drove down here to Springfield from home to drop off the Harry Potter series for me to read again. I feel like familiar material will help fuel my desire to read. Plus, the Harry Potter series is a lot of fun to read. I doubt I’ll finish before seeing the final film, but it will still be fun.

I haven’t written anything (more on that in a minute). But since Netflix now has the rights to Star Trek, I’ve begun to watch The Original Series from the start. I currently count two episodes featuring Kirk doubled, and another two episodes with women who are not as they appear to be (three of both instances if you count “The Cage”; but she had no control over her appearance and the second Kirk didn’t perform any sort of malice in that pilot episode). Very good stories, so far. I’m glad I’ve got this opportunity.

I broke up with my girlfriend, too. In no means fun like reading Doctor Who or watching Star Trek, but an event that’s happened, nonetheless.

In a very brief (and hardly comprehensive) recap:
-I was having doubts in regards to the relationship. I couldn’t place if the doubts were due the nearly month long separation between the spring semester and the summer semester when she’d return, or they were vested my changing feelings for her.
-During that month, I talked to a lot of my friends, trying to gain more viewpoints. Unfortunately, lot of them said I should just end it. Upon hearing that, Blog, I was a bit agitated. So did that mean I should still date her if I felt like that? I felt something. But I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.
-I talked to her about my feelings when she got back and not wanting to just give up hope, opted to continue our previously planned trip to her house for Six Flags/her Taekwondo Black Belt Test/her brother’s birthday. I had hoped that the following couple of weeks, plus the extended weekend trip would rekindle something inside of me. A spark to light a flame, perhaps. I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to try. So I did.
-The weekend was a lot of fun. Driving to and fro from Springfield and St. Louis was fun. Nice conversations and Veggie Tale songs. We had a great time at Six Flags (only minor sunburn on her head). She passed her Black Belt Test with flying colors (the best candidate testing from what I saw). And her brother’s celebrations were nice. I bought him a replica Harry Potter wand (and miniature wands for her other siblings). I enjoyed spending time with her and her family (and her siblings enjoyed my Kinect).
-But all in all, I didn’t feel like a flame was ignited. During the weekend, I was honest with her. I did things on my own free will. She didn’t trick me, guilt me, or anything. I held her on occasion, and I kissed her. I love her; don’t get me wrong, Blog. She is near and dear to me. The chance for long, worthwhile conversations and playful teasing is still there. And common interests prevalent. But for now, it seemed my feelings had shifted from romance to friendship. A great friendship, mind you. But dating her didn’t fit with me very well.
-So after many tears, we broke up. And soon after that, we played co-op on Portal 2 and had a good time solving puzzles. We aren’t the greatest Portal 2 team, but we get to the finish line eventually.

So that’s how it stands. We’re best friends. A bit awkward, it’s true. What to say, what not to say, physical boundaries and the like. But that will iron out over time. I’m still there for her if she needs someone. And she’s someone I can run to if I need it.

On that note, of needing someone, Blog, let me apologize to you. As I mentioned earlier, I haven’t been writing. In fact, aside from text messages and the occasional Facebook chat, I rarely write anything. So here I am, out of practice, writing a ton of stuff to you. In a sense, without you, Blog, I probably would be staring out my window right now until my eyes couldn’t stay open.

I say that, because for the past few weeks, leading up to a couple of days ago, I was not motivated to do anything. I’d essentially lost all interest in the world around me. I couldn’t find pleasure in nearly all the things that bring me pleasure. Be it Doctor Who, Star Wars or Star Trek, video games, anything. When I was around other people, I giggled at the thought I being able to watch Star Trek via Netflix and laughed at the Doctor Who remarks. But in my room alone, I lacked the drive to watch Netflix. I couldn't bring myself to turn on my Xbox 360 or TV. I couldn’t be productive in any sense. I was, for most intents and purposes, anhedonic.

In addition to the apparent anhedonia I experienced, I slept for the better part of the week. My room lay unkempt for days. It was easy to shrug it off and claim it as my right as a college male. But looking back on it now, this wasn’t me. I strove to have a clean room while I was in college. I made my bed each day, recycled whenever possible, and woke up easily each day. My aim was not to be like the two roommates I had my first two years in college. But from the start of this spring semester, I slowly lost my touch. My Woods House room had things piled on the floor constantly. My bed was rarely made. I struggled to wake up each morning. And the summer semester had not been kind. With an online class, I rarely need to wake up in the morning, so I usually got out of bed by one in the afternoon.

I know what this pointed to. I was depressed. Not down in the dumps for a bit. But depressed. Heck, I still am. But now I know I am. And I’m sure I know why. It’s not easy to say, but my past relationship led to this. I don’t like pointing blame. It’s not what I do. But the abuse simply haunts me even now. I can’t ignore the impact it’s made. Doing that would be unwise. It’s a reality, however unpleasant.

It’s hard to wake up knowing what happened. To realize each day that it could happen to me again and I might not even notice it. I feel like my whole being was compromised because of that relationship. Weak when compared to the rest of the world. Who I am, what I do, how I act, how I think. I thought I was in the clear for life, that this was the person I wanted to be. But I was betrayed. Turned against myself, all because I was manipulated by her. I doubted myself. I still do. Was I wrong? Defective? She said I was. It’s hard to undo something like that in my mind, even after the break-up. I feel disconnected to the world now. A split-second apart from the universe. Out of phase, so to speak. The world is tangible but beyond my grasp. Bethany helped me along, to get me feeling like myself again. Immersing myself in the world of Doctor Who for a bit, being a big kid. But to lean on her would be wrong, especially when I my feelings shifted. Nikki has always been there, too. An anchor through turbulent storms. Allowing me to do whatever I want. Virtually care-free is I’d like to be. But to lean on anyone too long would be unhealthy. I need to rectify this on my own. I didn’t cause the damage. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. I am not defective. But I still have a broken soul to patch up. A soul that needs better protection for the coming future. A soul that will find its way back to the rest of the universe over time.

Blog, I’m not all right. Nor am I entirely bad. I will be better in the future. For now, I'm in a state of repair. A work in progress. I will be able to look at my reflection one day and not feel like a broken toy. But in the meantime, I will sit on the Island of Misfit Toys and I will tend to my wounds. Some will be easier to fix, others will leave scars. But I will work at it. I will mend them. I won’t hide them. The end product will feature a stronger version of myself. But I still need to work at it. Patchwork progress and patience. One step at a time.

Until next time,
-Daniel Golden