Failure

Dear Blog,

I've been quite busy, as of late. I've got several things to do and a short amount of time to do them. And honestly, I'm not up to par on many of those things. I'm not meeting the standards I need to be at. I'm slowly falling. And I shouldn't be caught. If I am to fall, let me make a tremendous crash. Not for the attention, not for the infamy, but because it is just and fair. If I am to fail, let everyone know.

Today was not a fun day, Blog. Today began yesterday, and hasn't ended yet. Yes, I've slept. Yes, there have been high notes. But in the long run, today hasn't been kind.

Today was long, disappointing, and didn't offer much time for myself. Today was filled with things I wanted to avoid. Today was a day that I wanted to avoid people, but today gave me plenty of people to talk to, and people to talk hours with. Today barely allowed me time to think, but when I could, all I thought about was today. Today let me feel worthless, despite evidence to the contrary. Today taunted me, but I can't antagonize today. Today might not end for a while, and I don't know how to end today. Today reminded me of things I'd care to forget. Today isn't on purpose. Today is just a day. But all it takes is one bad day.

Until tomorrow,
-Daniel Golden

P.S. Picture is from "The Killing Joke."

Mystification, Motivation, Reorientation, Extermination

Dear Blog,

These past few weeks, my moods have shifted. One day (or even part of a day), I feel like I'm awesome. So awesome, intelligent, witty and clever, attractive, and friendly that I can't help but smile and treat that day accordingly (by being awesome, etc.). Then other days (or parts of days) I feel like I'm completely worthless. I am a huge, awkward dork, I'm wrong in classes, I'm not cute, and I'm not sure people even want to talk to me. Days like those end in my silently sitting in my room, trying to accomplish a task and kicking myself when I think I'm doing it wrong.

During my interview on Monday night for Phi Sigma Pi, I felt amazing. A great group of people were asking my questions, to which I gave witty, charming, intelligent, and comprehensive answers. I had a great time and felt that I did well. But that night, I felt so down. I'd just accomplished and amazing feat of social interaction and I felt like I wanted to stay in bed and cry. Why? No idea. Maybe I'm still growing and my body is constantly in flux? If so, I wish it would normalize soon. I recognize my silly feelings when I want to lock myself in my room, yet can't change my attitude. I feel like I can't control my emotions very well. And that, of course, isn't a pleasant thought.

Blog, I need a distraction and some serious motivation. My new Halo game has helped a lot in the realm of distraction. I am focused on the game, and I don't acknowledge the worries on my mind. But I need some sort of driving force to get me to do things. I feel like I have so many obligations and commitments to tend to, and only enough power to meet half of my goals for the day. I am juggling one too many balls and I need to slow time down and regain my balance.

I hope that tomorrow will present a chance for me to hit pause, find my footing, and play on the rest of the day. I have a lot to do. I promised to do it. And I will. I just need to focus my energies into productive means. I hate to prioritize my life, but starting tomorrow, I need to focus on school and especially focus on RA commitments. If I can get school and RA duties done or at least tended to for a while, I can redirect my productivity into relationships (friendships included) and activities for Daniel (Halo/Civ5).

Well, I'm off to bed. I hope I'm not called tonight for a lock-out or anything.

Until next time,
-Daniel Golden

P.S. Picture is unrelated (I might add picture to every blog now, copying Victoria's style) and title of blog (Mystification, Motivation, Reorientation, Extermination) is related, except for the last word. Just reminds me of Daleks from Doctor Who.

Growing Up to Be Winston Churchill

Dear Blog,

I was productive today. B on my Spanish test and my PSY 315 test pushed back. I made signs for my bathroom, huge bulletin board-esque academic display (help from Victoria), butcher block publicity for Find Yourself! and Toy Story 3, and plenty of Find Yourself! flyers. My room has been cleaned up a bit and I'm ready for my PSY 441 test tomorrow. I still have a paper to write for ENG 315, but I have time after ENG 362 to accomplish that. I also spent time with Victoria and had lunch with her, talked to Sarah and Nikki, and spent plenty of time talking to Ashleigh while she was at the front desk. I learned about bedbugs at in-service, had a quick staff meeting while wearing tie-die shirts Nikki made, wore my Public Affairs Week shirt most of the day, and woke up on time thanks to quick thinking on my part.

Sad news is that my mom isn't feeling well at all. Something might be wrong with her colon, she said. So bad that she called Linda to leave school and drive her to the hospital. I hope nothing serious has occurred. Dad should be home tomorrow, so he'll be able to take care of her.

Having purchased Halo Reach yesterday, I have still yet to play it. I promised myself that if I obtained a satisfactory grade on my SPN 102 test, I could play it. And a B is perfect, but my time constraints have forced me to simply admire the case for now. Perhaps this weekend will yield some gaming time. I need to practice before challenging any residents to a battle of Halo skills.

Yesterday, I also bought the new Brandon Flowers CD for Victoria. She was, of course, ecstatic when I showed it to her, having gotten the deluxe edition. After handing it to her, I stayed with her and Sarah as they donated blood to the Community Blood Center of the Ozark. Victoria was quite brave as she was poked and she quickly filled up her blood pouch. Afterwards, Victoria, Sarah, another Kentwood desk worker, and myself ate dinner in the PSU. I had a very nice toasted turkey and swiss on ciabata sandwich. I hope to eat at Blimpie's in the near future and order that sandwich again. Sarah and Victoria went to an informational meeting for a service sorority afterwards and I went to a Phi Sigma Pi (PSP) rush event.

The PSP Fun Interview Night was interesting. Very loud, I strained my voice, but had a lot of fun. The questions were zany and unusual in some instances, and I learned a bit about myself, much about the organization, and plenty about the people there. And by people, I mainly mean girls. So many girls are part of this organization! I think I counted three guys aside from myself at this meeting. I was both in awe and terrified of the situation. Girls are fantastic, don't get me wrong, but I've had these odds moods lately in which all girls are simply beyond my understanding and I become nervous and awkward. I read people well, so when all of a sudden I can't tell, even remotely, what's on a girl's mind, I revert back to awkward, geeky Daniel and avoid girls at all costs. Hopefully this phase will pass soon and I can enjoy the company of good people and future friends.

Well, I imagine now would be a good time to head to bed and hope for a passing grade on my PSY 441 test. If only I could learn Psychology like Neo learned kung-fu in The Matrix.

Until next time!
-Daniel golden

Bonus Picture!

Nothing

Dear Blog,

I'm not writing as much as I would like to. I lack the inspiration to write much. Nothing is compelling me to write. It sounds sad because it is. I want to write tons upon tons of stuff, but I lack the drive to. I don't know what to do about it. Hopefully this is just a sort of writing funk that I'm in.

If I had something intriguing, introspective, or interesting, I'd immediately log onto Blogger and type to my heart's content. But I haven't had the spark of imagination that would allow me to elaborate on a subject. Any subject. I simply stare at the blank screen now. I wish I something to discuss before heading off to PSY 315.

I could talk about my classes (going well, slightly annoyed by ENG 315, interested in Psychology more than English this semester, Spanish test on Monday), my work (new floor decorations in the planning stages, open door contest going well, just started the Study Buck program, duty this weekend), my friends (Nikki's new relationship, enjoying the company of each member of Woods staff, Sarah and my lack of texting), my girlfriend (her crying due to boredom, her gentle and loving touch, watching Pokemon and Doctor Who), my sonic screwdriver (exciting new addition to my geeky arsenal), my new shirts (Big Bang Theory Bazinga and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK PENNY, Dalek Exterminate, and House related), my new room arrangement (far more opening and practical, option of watching Dallas Cowboys game on Sunday), my plans (poster placements in planning phase, dressing up nice for Victoria, rushing Phi Sigma Pi), my homework (story writing and reading). But I don't want to sound so self-centered, only talking about what I do/have done/want to do.

This entry reminds me a poem I wrote a while back.

Daniel Golden
Digital Garden

I stare down the ten-watt lamp
over my desk, thinking of what to write.
Shaking my head to break my idle gaze,
I wonder if my muse will arrive.

The LCD monitor in front of
me is a blank background,
a white void of potential
that calls for my creative words
to establish roots and prosper
into a new colony of ideas.

The lone cursor blinks in the void,
awaiting input, a sapling awaiting rain,
begging nourishment every other second.

I finally type, the clicks
reverberating in my barren room,
with every key planting seeds onscreen.

The letters spell out my predicament
as I soon realize my muse isn’t coming
and I have no poem.

Until next time!
-Daniel Golden

I'm Not Dead Yet

Dear Blog,

I haven't written to you very much, and I apologize for that. Alas, this is yet another short entry.

I ordered the sonic screwdriver today and I am excited. I can't wait for it to get here. I'm going to have a lot of fun with it.



Until next time,
-Daniel Golden

Desk Doldrums

Dear Blog,

I can already tell that this 8 hour desk shift is going to be boring. But alas, I will work! I have some classic Doctor Who to watch (Tom Baker FTW!) and my laptop at the ready.

Last night with Victoria was fun. We were both tired after work, but managed to walk around, see a movie, and hang out with friends. Today is actually our five month anniversary, but yesterday was our date, since I'm working 4-midnight and a candle-lit dinner by the front desk of Woods House isn't exactly feasible.

I've been having fun looking at this webcam. It watches over the construction of the new MSU Recreation Center.
http://146.7.201.240
Fun to check out the weather and whatnot.

That's about all I have to say for now.

Until next time!
-Daniel Golden

Vacation Truncation

Dear Blog,

I'd like to apologize to you. Evidently, you've been written by a moron for the past few days, if not longer. Not your fault, don't worry. It's me. And here's how I know: I can't remember when I work.

It happened first on Thursday. After writing it in my planner, I still failed to realize that I was on duty on Thursday. On duty and still had a desk shift to work. So 10-15 minutes before the shift, I called around, becoming the RA I've wanted to avoid. Finally finding someone, I was slightly relieved. In addition to the lapse in memory (just the first one, mind you), I was ill during the day, missed my classes, had a tornado situation, and cause for Officer Henning to follow Ashleigh and myself on rounds. 2am rounds and an 8:35am class.

Then I went home on Friday, thinking I had a nice Labor Day weekend in which I could relax. Wrong again, Daniel. I was called by the desk at 8:10am, since I was supposed to work 8am-4pm today. I showered, quickly packed everything, finished the laundry that I could, and got here by noon. Thankfully Nikki was able to work 8-12. But alas, upon returning, I was teased for a bit. Did I deserve it? Yeah. Did I make people smile and laugh? Yeah. Did I enjoy it? Not as much as I normally would. You know, like if I didn't feel like a horrible friend, horrible RA, or horrible boyfriend.

In other news, my room is slightly cleaner now. I have one miniature poster on my wall. One poster now, and the rest will soon be up. And maybe I will set up my TV, too. Maybe not. Depends on my mood when I get off work. And if I can think properly. I kind of just want to go to bed for the rest of the weekend.

But now, to cheer myself up, I will now order some shirts from ThinkGeek and possibly a sonic screwdriver. Maybe I'll read some magazines, browse game sites, or just stare out the windows.

I'll talk to myself. Why not? I'll ignore people if they make fun. I know I'm weird at times. I'll just think to myself "they're jealous that I can fit social norms when I must and disregard those same rules at will." How true is that? Probably not at all. But the truth hurts, no?

Until next time,
-Daniel Golden

The Iron Giant

Dear Blog,

I have to read Part 1 of "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe. I opted to watch The Iron Giant, instead. The movie was dozens of times better than what I remember it being. But I still need to read this before class tomorrow, so this blog will be short.

Today consisted of Spanish, Psychology, laundry, shower, Publisher, staff meeting, house calls, Walmart, The Iron Giant, and homework.

Concise, though not elaborate. I'm sorry, Blog. Perhaps tomorrow will yield a more interesting blog.

Until next time,
-Daniel Golden